I get lonely. I want to be close to someone, to have a person who really knows me deeply. She knew me like I was just a part of her, a satellite being. Another Her in a smaller external body.
I used to have these really intense friendships when I was a little younger, where I felt compelled to share as much as I possibly could with them. After my first serious romantic relationship imploded, mostly, I think, from that need to be so intimately close, I began to change the way I interact with people. I still share intimate things with my friends, but not like I used to. I feel independent, but I feel lonely. My conversations are usually more about me listening, and when I talk a lot, it's more often about more non-personal topics. I'm much more comfortable having male friends, because the emotions stay farther below the surface, usually. However, I find that men are more emotionally sensitive than I used to think.
Now I have a boyfriend who knows me as well as I think I can be known, because he can handle that in a way that never quite worked out before. And I keep forgetting that he knows me so well. I continuously feel like we just met, just fell in love, and I've felt like that for nine years.
I live alone. That usually surprises people. I've chosen a man who is not going to live with me, marry me, have children with me, any of the things that most people see as major goals in life. We live in an illusion of frozen time. Just dating, nothing serious, just that I love you so much you feel like a part of me, and now and then you say something that reminds me there's really very little about myself I haven't exposed to you. It's terrifying to be so close to someone now, and I fear his death in a presently conscious way far too often. At least I can keep this distance from him physically, our lives mostly separate. This unconventional relationship even serves to lead me to feel more distant from my other friends and family, because they don't understand this part of my life that is so significant. When one has a spouse, people can go "Oh, right. I know what that means. I can understand that relationship." This is, like, so weird that I don't even talk about it much. Part of that is because I don't have anything wrong I need to talk through. I usually talk with my friends about their relationships because they're having problems. So no problems equals very little discussion. That makes it seem even more unusual, but increasingly I'm hearing that people think we're "perfect."
It's the best I can do, that's all. If I share my soul with him, I must not share my home with him. That would be too much. I've shared a home with roommates with whom I've rarely spoken. It's one or the other, not both.
Before ending, I'll just address that the idea of ever having a child of my own is unthinkable. I couldn't bear that kind of closeness.
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